Yes, I'm crying in Public Again

Field guide to crying in inconvenient places. A week without Indie — live dispatch from the Rye Goods parking lot

Oh man, what a week it’s been. Let me paint you a picture of my current whereabouts: it’s 7:48 on a gloomy Saturday morning and I’m sitting inside an empty Rye Goods (unheard of). I haven’t been much of an early riser lately, but this morning I was and I wanted to take full advantage. I love being up before the day starts feeling loud and chaotic. I’m wrapped in my favorite James Street cardigan — listening to the sound of the espresso machine and clanking dishes, all while sipping on my usual iced matcha. That’s where I’m at right now, and it’s bringing me a lot of joy.

Honestly, I feel a little crazy that my second Substack post is about something so .. sad?? But I wanted to share what life has looked like since we last chatted, and a few things that have been helping me through it — in case they might help someone else, too.

The past week has been a blur of missing Indie in a million little moments. The sound of his paws on the floor, his eyes judging us from every corner of the house. I still wake up and reach for him out of habit. I catch myself looking over my shoulder to see if he’s following me. I save a bite of food for him during meals without thinking. It’s strange how grief shows up in these tiny, quiet ways throughout the day. I’ve been letting myself feel all of it. Not rushing, not trying to “move on.” Just making room for both the sadness and the gratitude that he was ours for so long.

We’ve been talking about him a lot. Multiple times a day, John and I pull up old videos of him — laughing, crying, and remembering all of Indie. Not that we could ever forget, but we worry about slowly losing the small details that made up our daily life as just the three of us. Grief feels different when it’s tied to a love so pure and unconditional. And even though I’d give literally anything for one more day with him, I wouldn’t trade this feeling if it meant never knowing what it was like to love him.

So for now, I’m holding onto the fact that he’s part of me forever — in the way I love, how I show up for the people I care about, and in the way I notice the small moments. If you’ve been here before, you know how it changes you. And if you’re here now, I hope you know you’re not alone <3

Here are a few things that have gotten me through this past week — down to the little things like the laundry detergent and soaps I’ve been using, that give me tiny bits of dopamine throughout the day:

Braindumping / writing it all down — like I mentioned before, I never want to lose the small details that made up our daily life as the three of us. I’m writing everything down: what our days usually looked like, the meals we’d make (for both ourselves and Indie), what we’re currently watching / listening to, where we’d go eat, all of Indie’s current nicknames. I want to be able to look back and remember it all.

Getting out + comfort bites — John and I have been frequent flyers at Rye Goods even more than usual lately. We started going a day or two after Indie passed, thinking “we should get out of the house because surely, we won’t cry in public”..alas.

We’d sit outside on the patio going through old photos and videos of him. I can’t fully explain it, but being there with the chatter of people around us + sitting in the sun made it feel different. Better. At home, we were doing the same thing, but it felt heavier. Outside, on this patio, it felt therapeutic. So yeah, we were still crying but it felt ~ lighter ~.

We didn’t have much of an appetite after we lost him, but an iced matcha and an heirloom tomato bagel (jalapeño cheddar) became my comfort breakfast this past week.

The beef stew baguette from East Borough has been another go to comfort staple.

Setting a cozy environment at home — again, down to the little things that give me tiny bits of dopamine throughout the day: the laundry detergent and hand soaps I’ve been using, candles I light, incense I burn, body wash I use. These little rituals are helping make our space feel a little more home-y.

*note: the laundry detergent I linked is on the pricier side, so I like to mix this with an unscented one to still enjoy the scent without using too much :)

Feeling everything — allowing myself to sit with it all, not trying to move on, or rush past what I’m feeling too quickly. Just letting feelings be as they come. Over-communicating — talking about things as they come up, whether with John or a friend.

Remembering — John and I sit and scroll through old photos and videos of Indie multiple times a day. It brings up old stories, and some of the best memories we have with him. It’s become one of our favorite pastimes.

Support from friends — friends have shown up for us in ways we didn’t expect. Dropping off meals + our favorite snacks, making sure we eat, reminding us they’re here if we need a thing. So grateful for the people we have in our little corner.

Replenishing + self care — crying takes it out of you :’) we’ve been replenishing with either Harmless Harvest coconut water (with pulp), or Pludo electrolytes.

So yeah. It’s been a week of missing Indie more than I can put into words, but also a week of noticing the little things that bring comfort — walking, journaling, comfort meals, little soapy luxuries, friends. These small things have been helping me, and I’m leaning into them. I hope if you’re going through something similar, you can find a few things that make this time feel a little lighter too. Love you ! xoxo

<3